stuff

I have too many things, I think collecting is cramping my life. but its so hard to get rid of that great jacket that I scored at that thrift store for 5 dollars. or a beautiful set of canisters with cherries on them that I got for Christmas. but I have many other jackets and better canisters. I am a stuff person and I love to shop for bargains.. this will make me into an oprah special if I don't watch it. so I am in the process of clearing out and getting rid of things. breaks my heart to get rid of some of the things in the pile but I don't need clothes that don't fit, or 75 different collections. right? less is more I have heard anyway.

is it sugaring time? Cuz the sap is flowing!

i need to pinch myself, i wake up and go through the day not sure if its all just a dream or if i really am living the life i am. i hate to say that being with the right person makes all the difference because i don't believe people need to be with someone to be a whole person. however since i got together with my wonderful boyfriend things seem to be coming together very nicely. i know that the changes i made in my life (see previous blog) are probably a big reason my life is going in the directions it is. but things since him have been really good, i am happy. really happy.
without going into details i have always tried so hard to make my partner happy that i lose myself and i stop doing anything to make myself happy. i will admit i have had a few fairly traumatic relationships. i really didn't think it was possible to be with someone and not feel like part of me was hidden or left in the cold. or to feel like the person i am with cares as much about me and the relationship as they care about themselves. i am not really sure if its a change in myself that its happening or if its the person i am seeing.
i know that the person i am seeing has always been special to me, for the longest time just as a friend. but only really a friend at work since we didn't spend any time outside of work unless it was a chance meeting or a bbq with mutal work friends. my feelings for him were there but not acted upon since he had a relationship of his own. when he moved out of the relationship i hoped something would happen, even a slight glimmer of interest would have fueled the fire in my world. but it didn't happen so i let it go. i thought i had been mistaking the connection i felt for him. then 5 or 6 months later he and i were chatting and i invited him over to watch movies at my place. the first few times he came over were very tense and i was so upset because i thought for sure it was not going to ever happen with us and that i was a fool to even think it may have. then things finally started happening and my whole world changed. i have never be with someone so thoughtful and caring. i can sit and talk to him for hours and he listens to me. he listens even when i am sure he has heard the story before. he lets me choose restaurants because i want to eat light. he gets up and turns on the heat when the alarm goes off and comes back to bed because he really doesn't need to get up yet. he even took the garbage out to the curb when i forgot. he was just as worried about vienna when she hurt her back as i was. i am incredibly attracted to him and it only gets stronger day by day. i actually feel like i have missed out since he was out there and i just didn't find him till now. i want to make the very best of the rest of our lives.
i think that something happened and i got lucky, i am damn sure i will be making him the happiest he can be.

goals

well I am pretty excited about things going on in my life, first I hit my goal with weight watchers! so since my birthday in July I have lost 47.4 lbs. its been an interesting journey. no longer can I swing by jack in the box for a breakfast sandwich before work also I no longer get to have happy hour 3 to 4 days a week. man I miss the sugar sweetness of a scorpion from the Kon Tiki, and the fuzzy feeling of the buzz coming on.
now I get up clear headed (that in itself was something that took getting used to) and make coffee and usually have toast or oatmeal. my evenings are pretty routine, I walk after work for an hour then I go home and when my guy is there I make us dinner. if I am alone I typically watch the news and have little snacks all night. now its late if I am not asleep by 11, but it makes getting up in the morning much easier.
I am amazed when I am at the grocery store and pick up a 10 lb bag of potatoes and realize I was carrying almost 5 of those on my body all the time.
I thought I would never stop going out to clubs and bars. it was such a large part of my life. I am finding that I am not missing it at all, I really get bored when I go to the bars now. I have really good friends and I like to go out with them but anymore it consists of dinner and chatting about life till all hours instead of drinking till we can barely walk and tripping on the way out. I know its me that has changed and not the bars or any other outside source. I only hope my friends understand and I believe that they do. I guess its priorities that have come into focus.
I spent so long looking for something to make my life better and booze did the job while I was drunk but then I had the ramifications of the drinking when I was sober. ie feeling like crap and tired, and broke from the nightly 40 dollar bar tabs. not to mention all the stupid things that I have done while drunk. like falling down (several times) and skinning my knees. plus lets not forget the 65 Lbs I put on in the last 6.5 years!
I decided last summer to figure out what goals I wanted to achieve in the next 5 years and when I looked at them I realized I was doing nothing to get me closer to those goals. so I had to make major changes in my life I am seeing the results now! I am finally able to think seriously about buying a house and many other good things in my life.

tattoo

So last weekend I went to my parents house to print directions to a wedding. I was heading out of town and instead of back tracking and going home and losing about 45 mins I decided to hit the parents and use their printer.
Also I have been successfully hiding a rather large tattoo from them since last May. Its not that they don't know I have them, they have seen all the others (about 14) but it's just that I don't really want to disappoint them by continuing to get work that they disapprove. Plus its the same conversation about each one I get: "I really wish you wouldn't ruin your perfect body" or "only white trash has tattoos" or "you are much more classy than that, honey". I am classy and I am not white trash. The next day I was at my sisters house and my pop said that he noticed I had a new tattoo peeking out from my sweater the day before and asked to see it. I believe his comment was "oh lord that's huge". I felt awful in the pit of my stomach and I still am having trouble shaking it off. I personally don't want to stop getting tattoos and I believe they are beautiful on me and other people. I don't think that everyone should have them but I don't see why its such a big deal for my parents to just accept it. I am 32 years old and there is nothing else they don't like. In fact they are damn proud of me in most other aspects of my life. Why do I let it bother me so much?

quick test for a first blog

So last November i started seeing a good friend of mine (i had pined for years and years for him). i was happy to have the chance to date him as i knew we would be a great couple. i didn't figure on anything life changing though because i knew where he was coming from and i figured i would be a transitional girl. i just had really liked him as a friend and always thought he would be a great guy to date. i wasn't too worried about it since i had decided that i would be ok with being alone. so if it didn't work out i just hoped we could go back to friendship. (i was tired of waiting till the men i liked were in the right spot to date them cuz they kept getting taken while i was being distant to let them figure out their lives)
we started spending time together and i was seriously falling for him and i knew it probably wouldn't be good since, in my experience, when i told a guy i liked him they usually disappeared faster than Houdini could exit a pair of handcuffs. much to my surprise he has been extremely forthcoming with commitment and hopes for the future. we keep finding we are worried about the other becoming freaked out and that's why we hold back but neither of us are freaked out at all. in fact i just want to spend more and more time with him.
being with him is amazing, we laugh a lot and spend time doing things like read the paper or talking about our days and there isn't uncomfortable silence. I honestly don't want to sound like those people you hate but its so easy to be with him. there are things that are difficult in both of our lives but being with him isn't making my life complicated, its simplifying it. i dread the days i don't see him because i feel so happy when i spend time with him and when i don't i feel like i am missing something. its so balanced now and i just hope i can continue on this path. i know we can stand the test of time though.
yes yes i am that person i used to hate, i stopped looking and i found what i was looking for.
PS he is super hot too :D