ramblings

yay i got my pinup girl tattoo colored on friday, looks pretty damn good. i am going to go get some pics done at the shop in a couple of weeks. i will post them here as soon as i can. i need to start thinking about the rest of my arm. grrr its so hard for me to visualize what i want.
in other news: we have almost finished cleaning out the spare bedroom for the boyfriend's kids. it looks like the official move in date will be right after vegas. we are waiting on the bunk beds to be delivered. but we took his daughter out and bought her a set of sheets and a comforter. his son is another story. i am hoping we can set him up soon. i am looking for another dresser for the bedroom, it absolutely breaks my heart to make them share a room but they really only have one night a week that both are with us so i am thinking it will be pretty minor and they shared a room the whole time before so hopefully one year will be do-able. if we stay at my place we are hoping to be able to buy our own home by next year. the important thing is really looking to the future. making up for lost time and past mistakes is the focus now.
Viva is only a couple weeks away and i am sooooo excited! this is the first year i am not totally crash dieting to fit into my vegas clothes. i can't wait to pack and see everyone.

tight shoe saturday night

well it was really a friday night, but i have so much on my mind i have to sit and type a bit. the phrase "thight-shoe saturday night" was something an old uncle said to me years and years ago. he said when he was young in the thirtys he only had one pair of nice shoes he wouldn't wear them unless it was a special ocassion or church. So those shoes were tight and when you took your gal on the town it would be a tight-shoe saturday night. thats how you knew someone was out to impress.
so my friday night was spent with my guy and his daughter and my mom and dad! haha seems weird but actually i was sad when they all left to go home. My guy is sick right now and i wish he could stay here so i could take care of him but untill his daughter is comfortable with me and staying here its better they go back to where he is living. they are such a big part of my life its very cool but suprising. i never expected it to be so comfortable. it looks like we will be moving the "move in" date closer because we both feel having the kids have a room to share is much better than all three of them sharing a guest room at his mom's house. it also looks like we will need to provide a stable and calm environment for his daughter. there is drama on the high seas, and i am actually sad that his ex has been as stupid as i thought she would be. its so foreign to me ... she has no concern for where she and her daughter will be living in a week but she finds the time to go to the bars all weekend. its not important to her to look for a job but she will find the time to go out to and drink with her friends to "forget" i am guessing.
it honestly used to just make me mad because i could see how he had been and still was being taken advantage of, but now that i have been spending time with his daughter its breaking my heart and as i sit an type this i have tears streaming down my face because i am so sad for this little girl. i don't think her mother intends to get evicted, she just decided not to be resoponsible when it mattered.
i just don't understand, nor will i

i want to type more but i have to hike a mountain tomorrow, wish me luck on the "climb for a cure".

focus

things I need to focus on are: my health,my relationships, my finances and my home. I am confused because it has taken me so long to realize the important things in life and the scary thing is - its so clear if you choose to look at it. I also need to keep my focus on those things so I can bring to any relationship I am in a whole person. who wants a train wreck? I know I see through train wrecks pretty quickly and I am sure there were people who saw through me. I am lucky I figured it out 6 months before I met my guy. he probably wouldn't have wanted a train wreck. I am whole and can contribute a bunch to his life and the life we are planning together.

I was thinking about when I was not focused and all of my life centered around going out and drinking with my friends. how can a life be centered around a bar? or a club? that's not what life is about. I was very functioning and made it to work and held a job and paid my bills but I had nothing in my life but that. a beer won't keep me warm at night. it also allowed me to make poor decisions. why did I continue to put myself with men that didn't want me, they just wanted a one night stand? and honestly I knew that's what I was in for, so why was I sad when that was all it ever ended being?

when I decided to stop the party and focus on myself honestly it was boring the first few weeks being at home and not drinking and clubbing, but then i realized i am not such a bad person to hang out with. i didn't need booze to be fun and have fun. it really opened me to be in the right place for the right person. I am glad i am not that person anymore, the party girl has retired the party dress.